The inner Battle
by Nikkitaa
Summary: Jasper's point of view. After they leave forks, he feels guilty and can't stop thinking about that disasterous birthday


**SUMMARY: Just a little on shot between Jasper and ALice. They moved to Alaska after Bella's birthday and Jasper has been fighting with himself. Only Alice understands him and she does her best to Help**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING **

**INSPIRED BY: Wait there, River flows in you and Kiss the rain. By Yiruma**

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We were now living in Alaska and it had been four months since Bella's birthday disaster. Edward had decided that it was time he got away from Bella before he hurt her, but I can't help but blame myself. I always keep those thoughts away from him, and do what I can to bury my emotions in the presences of my family, but it was hard to ignore the guilt that was building up inside of me.

I'd been gone for hours, but I really didn't care, time meant nothing to me. Nobody knew where I'd gone, so I was left to my own thoughts, which was best. It was easier to be alone when I felt like this, at least that way nobody else would feel it to. At one time or another we are all alone. You could be in a crowded room full of family and friends and yet feel completely isolated, or you could be alone with your thoughts and feel as though nobody would ever truly understand you, not even yourself. Unfortunately, both seemed to be applying to me lately.

I knew that none of them would ever say that it was my fault, really I wasn't even sure if they thought it was. I'd never felt any resentment from them, but it was hard to convince myself that they really didn't blame me. But I blamed myself, and that was enough.

Nobody else tried to attack Bella……but I did.

Nobody else lost their head……but I did.

Nobody else saw things the way I did, but I just couldn't help it. I'd tried so hard not to be a monster, and it all unraveled in a matter of seconds. Even worse was knowing that it was Bella. She was practically family and I truly did love her as my own sister. What kind if a monster would want to hurt his family?

I'm a blood thirsty monster, I decided, and nothing was ever going to change that.

"No you're not" a small voice said from behind me "And you've changed that."

Alice, of course it was Alice. She had undoubtedly seen me slip away and had seen my resolve. I didn't deserve her, and I knew it. She was always too good to me.

"Yes, I am" I whispered, burying my face in my hands.

"No, you're not" she repeated, taking a seat in the snow next to me.

"I didn't see anybody else acting he way I did" I said bitterly, and I knew she understood what I was talking about.

"Jazz, they've been trying longer" she said soothingly "They've had longer to practice their control."

"And that just makes it OK?" I demanded

"I didn't say that. You slipped and lost your head, it happens. Besides you didn't hurt her. Nothing actually happened." She said

"That's not the point" I said "The fact that I lost it like that…"

She cut me off "Proves that you made a mistake" she said "Feeling the way you do about it proves that you are not a monster."

"I could have…" I started

"But you didn't" she said firmly, cutting me off again "It's your choices that show who you really are, and you chose to let Emmett take you out of the room and away from the blood. I think we both know that you could have outsmarted him in a second, if that was what you really wanted"

I laughed humorlessly. What she said made all the sense in the world, and yet it was not enough to drive away the guilt. It was such a depressing feeling that it reminded me of how I used to feel, before Alice came into my existence. I was a sorry excuse for a person, or vampire, or what have you. Alice brought meaning to my useless existence. Without her I would have been lost. I would never have known love, or family, acceptance, joy or happiness. I was indebted to her for the rest of time. She was the only one who truly understood me, and I was grateful for her mere presence. She knew when to listen and what to say.

She squeezed my hand "I like these decisions much better" she said smiling.

I pressed my lips to hers and embraced her lovingly. Like I said, she always knew what to say.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" I asked

"I dunno," she said "But whatever it was, it must have been good"

I laughed, only Alice could wash away the guilt and depression and replace it with laughter.

"Jazz, please stop blaming yourself for all this. It wasn't your fault. Edward knows it, I know it, and everybody else knows it too. They're worried about you, especially Esme. You scare her when you disappear." She said

I looked into her sad eyes, I was scaring her too, even if she wouldn't admit it. "I'm sorry" I said "I'll try"

"See" she said smugly, returning to her usual upbeat and perky pixie self "What kind of monster would go out of his way to bring peace of mind to others?"

I laughed again "What would I do without you?"

"Let's never find out" she said.

**A/N: Hope you all liked it. If you've been reading my other stories, i'm sorry i haven't updated War of the Pranks in a while, i'm having a bit of a block and can't think of what to do next. If you haven't read any of my other stories, What the hell are you waiting for snap to it. lol Just kidding.**

**I'm really nervous about this one shot actually. It's kind of personal, the way Jasper feels about being alone and such comes from experieces in my life. Please let me know what you think because i'm actually starting to feel a little sick i'm so nervous about it. Be honest and let me know. The songs mentioned at the begining are all instrumental and for some reason they fit the feeling, at least i think so. I'll try and put the links on my profile page as soon as i post this**


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